R A N T •A L E R T
I’ll apologize in advance for another sappy post but I’m in my feels!! 🙄
So I’ve been dealing with a continuous cycle of people leaving. It seems like every male in my life has left me and I’m still not used to it or even close to understanding it.
My real father left when I was small, which is the norm now days for most kids. He also passed away almost 3 years ago on Monday.
My Grandfather also passed away when I was small too, yet we were never that close..
Every boyfriend (only 3, relax) I’ve had has left too. Cheated and left, met someone else and left, moved for careers and school, or just simply.. left.
And throughout my life, I guess I’ve trained my mind to naturally, blame myself.
I always think or I’ve always thought it was me. Obviously not them dying or going to school/work but everything else, it’s just a reflex for me to think,
“Did I do something?”
“Is this my fault?”
Look I could have been the reason these boyfriends left, and I couldn’t help my father and grandfather passing. But for someone that has this happen to them time and time again, you tend to look at yourself as a potential problem or reason why it happened.
I think, maybe I could have had a better relationship with them or made things better while they were around or this or that or blah blah blah.
But this new relationship I’ve been in, for over 4 months, the guy just told me he’s leaving.
Going back to school.
3,000 miles away. 🙃
Well shit. Here we go again.
It’s killing me inside because this is the first man I’ve thought of Marriage and Kids and Growing old with.
I’ve never told him that but still my heart is broken. I know he’s doing this for himself of course my anxiety always has a different thought in mind…
Well, nice going Sherlock. You chased him away too. Can’t keep any man.
No matter how good of a person you are and what you’ve done, they’ll always leave.
And the biggest thing I’ve always done (because of this mindset I was blessed with 🙄😒) is make sure I never treat anyone else or make someone else pay for someone else’s mistake or for them leaving.
It’s never fair, right?
I always go into any situation with a clear mind and hope things turn out better. But every time, they’ve turned out with the same results…⤵️⤵️
Them Leaving. 🏃♂️
But Today, my heart dropped when my boyfriend asked me what was wrong.
I said I was just sad he was leaving..
And his response hit me harder than anything. Because it’s the same exact thing, word for word, that my father AND an ex said to me before they left..
I’m not dying. I’m just moving. It’s not a big deal.
I couldn’t breathe.
I swear, word for word.
My father told me that, the last phone call I had with him. I was sad that I couldn’t see him before he moved closer to his cancer specialist.
He passed 3 months after.
My ex told me that before he moved to a different city for a job. And left me a month later because me being “sad” meant I didn’t believe in his dreams. 🙄 lol ok.
So here I am again.. wishing he wouldn’t go or wishing he’d take me with him like I wish the others did. Wishing I was a factor or even remotely considered. But again, I’m left behind.
Trying to be supportive while my feelings are pushed aside.
So all I have in my mind now is, when is he going to leave. When is he gunna pull that “let’s just be friends” card.
He’s been distant and his communication skills are trash, which are the telltale signs if one getting ready to bolt!
So it’s all a matter of W H E N.
It really does suck having everyone leave cause now that’s really all you expect from people.
Just say when…