Daughter, Death, Father, Feelings, Grief, Life, Loss, Love, Uncategorized

Dear Dad,

It’s been a long time hasn’t it.
Feels way too long.
It’s almost like we just spoke, but even that feels wrong..

It’s been a few years; four to be exact.
You told me those doctors didn’t know anything and they were a bunch of quacks.

I knew you were hurting and I knew you were scared.
Your time was coming and you weren’t prepared.

Nothing I said could take that fear away.
I just wanted you to know that I loved you anyway.

I loved you at 2, when you left me and Mom..
I loved you at 5, even when I questioned what I did wrong..

I loved you at 10 when I missed the Father-Daughter dance.
I loved you at 13 when I thought we got our second chance.

I loved you at 16 when you missed my first date.
I loved you at 17, when you didn’t see me graduate.

I loved you at 21 when I called on your birthday.
It had been seven years, I was scared at what you’d say.

You were so excited to talk to me and you started to cry.
I wish we spoke sooner because I knew this was ‘Goodbye’

We went years without speaking and now I  regret it..
I wish I would have hugged you longer and didn’t take it for granted.

I’m a girl with no Father, that’s always been my title.
I wish you were still here, we could have tried a little harder.

You missed a lot in my life Dad, I’ve been through so much.
I wish you could have helped me and provided that Fatherly touch.

I wish things were different and that you didn’t have to go.
I always wondered if I made you proud.. I guess I’ll never know.

Please watch over me from heaven as you ride around on your Harley.
And wherever your heart soars Dad, I just hope you’re happy.

I love you.
∞ Your Little Pot of Gold ∞

 

Breakups, Feelings, Life, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized

363•376•397

Do you know what these are?..

These are days…

Yes, I’ve counted.

These are the days since you’ve existed for me..

It’s been 397 days since I last saw you.

Did you know that..

We ate cinnamon raisin english muffins with peanut butter..

your favorite.

We joked about the time you were house sitting and that dog got on the counter ate all the muffins you just bought.

I went and bought you another pack that night and left them in your front seat after our 3rd date.. just so I could see that smile..

i still can’t go in the bread isle..

That was the last day I kissed you too..

Do you remember..

You kissed me with a smile.. as I did with you.

I always felt like I’d get to kiss you forever..

I just wish forever didn’t end so soon..


It’s been 376 days since I spoke to you..

You texted me late that night.

It was emotionless and cold.. like strangers almost

You told me you were leaving. to a different state. on the otherside of the country.

In 2 weeks.

I wanted to come with you.

I wanted you to ask..

I wanted you to say we’d make it work.

I wanted to know if you were coming back.

I just wanted to know if I was worth an explanation..

I wasn’t

You said you we’re sorry and you said it through text.

You couldn’t even say it to my face. You couldn’t look me in the eye and leave me like a man.

You had to break me like others broke you.

This was your chance to leave first.

and you did.


363 days ago..

I sat on my bed like I am right now wondering if you’d tell me goodbye..

The ‘2 week’ mark was 2 days away..

The 20th.

I was thinking of those stupid love movies where the guy realizes he just can’t live without her. Drives to her house with the corny love music in the background and he confesses his love for her and they live happily ever after.

It’s just super predictable and dumb and.. something that didn’t happen in my story.

I at least thought you’d say goodbye..

And you did..

over social media..

When you posted a video of you driving on the freeway.

and posted the location..

3,000 miles away…


And.. do you remember the last movie we saw together?

Avengers Infinity War”

We we’re so excited to see “End Game” after that.

But I went alone this year.

I thought of you the entire time.. barely paid attention.. until I heard that line.

“I love you 3,000”

Yes the most cliché line that EVERYONE used when that movie ended.

Of course I cried. I cried because that’s how far away you are. Something would have to remind me of you even more so right? That line had a whole different meaning to me after that.

But 3,000 miles is what I had in my head.

And you know what..

I’d love you regardless of those miles. I’d love you regardless of the time lost.

I would have loved you 3,000 miles.

3,000 years.

3,000 lifetimes.

But instead.. I’ll just love you from here.


Feelings, Life, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized

Miss Missing You

July 20th was the last day I saw your face
August 7th was the last day I heard from you
I’m still checking my phone hoping its you trying to get ahold of me.

I still don’t know what I did wrong, I don’t know why you felt the need to hurt me the way you did.

I tried my best to be the one woman you could count on, the one you could go to for anything, the one that could make your bad days disappear, and make you love and not feel bad for it.

I did everything I could for you, and you discarded me like I was a piece of lint from your jacket.
I think you hurt me and left me because you’ve been hurt and left in the past and wanted to be the first to do it this time. You wanted to get out before it got too serious.
You wanted to be the one that “ended things” for once.

In the back of my mind, I’ve always thought that you were happy with me, that you were thinking long term and thinking of a future together..

At least, that’s what I was thinking about.

I was thinking about you and I in our own little house, eating Chick-Fil-A..
Me ordering extra fries and lemonade because I know you like to eat and drink mine.
Me making you dinner when you come home, and remembering you don’t like fruits or veggies.
Us snuggling in our bed, you being “little spoon” because you like to be held too.
Getting Married.
Traveling the world and making it to our Ireland trip.
Making you coffee in the morning and making sure you have your Notre Dame mug and French Vanilla creamer because I know those are your favorites.

Making you an Easter Basket filled with Reese’s and hiding it around the house every year because that’s one of your favorite holidays.

I saw us having kids.. and I always hoped that they’d have your widows peak, your hands and your laugh.

I saw us growing old and living our best lives together.

I suppose I was the only one thinking about these things.

Even though, you told me you wanted this. You got my hopes up for a future that you didn’t plan on giving me. You put these thoughts in my head. You planned on moving out together, getting married, picking out my favorite rings, looking at homes, talking about baby names, planning trips, and you’re the one that left.

You disappeared and yet..

I’m STILL sitting here thinking about a life with you.
Thinking about what you’re doing and if you’re doing ok.
Hoping you’re happy even though you left me..
Wondering if you still listen to “Teenage Fever” by Drake and “Nuh time/Tek time” by DVSN and think of me..
Wondering if you finished our show without me.
Wondering if you look to the passenger seat of your Camaro and miss me sitting there singing to you. Wondering if you’d still have your hand on my thigh while you were driving and squeezing me when a song said “I love you” as if that was your little way of saying you loved me.

I wish I hated you, I wish I could just say, “fuck him, his loss” and move on.
But I can’t

I love you.

I miss you.

I hate not hearing from you everyday.

But at the end of the day, I remember that people don’t abandoned people they love, they abandon people they were using.

Feelings, Life, Love, Relationships

What I should have told you

You left today.

You didn’t send a text, call or stop by to say goodbye.

You just left.

You were too much of a coward to end us yourself so you just went 3,000 miles away to send the message for you.

I fell in love with a coward.

I fell in love with a pretender.

Someone that disguised lies as the truth and finally unmasked them when you put your car in drive this morning.

You left someone behind that was going to love you till the end of time. You left someone that wanted your happiness more than their own. You left a girl who wouldn’t have hurt you the way others have.

You left me.

I wanted to love you. But instead, I hate you.

I hate how you left. I hate how you made me feel as a woman. I hate how “private” you were. I hate how stupid you made me. I hate that I ignored red flags for you. I hate that I questioned my worth because of you. I hate you for how you treated me.

You played me better than anyone has.

But in reality, you played yourself by playing me.

It makes me wonder what your point was. What was the point of you telling me you wanted to move in together or get married, or us having kids?

Why did you do this to me?

I will forever question these things until I can question you.

You never were proud to have me as yours. You were embarrassed to have a “big girl” right?

Well I’m embarrassed too.

Embarrassed that you had me and my family fooled. You even had them thinking this was.. real.

You had our friends thinking we were serious when it was just a one way street.

You are embarrassing.

And I hope whoever you left me for enjoys being treated like a princess for a month then ignored for the rest of the time.

You ended up just like your father.

A man that cowers and leaves.

The saying goes, the way they leave tells you everything.

And this sure told me a whole lot.

This was all fake.

You expect the same person who pushed you into the water to be the same person who keeps you from drowning and that’s the fucking problem.

Goodbye.

Feelings, Life, Love, Relationships

GHOST

I wish I wasn’t expecting you to show up at my doorstep to say one last goodbye, because I know it’s never coming.

I wish I didn’t check my phone 50 times a day, hoping your name would light up my screen with an “i miss you” text the way it used to on the random days you did miss me more than usual.

I wish you didn’t have to go.

I wish I would have known the last time I saw you was the last time I’d be hugging you or pressing my lips against yours.

Maybe I would have done both more carefully in hopes I could have slowed down time so I could savor in that moment.

I wish you would have fought as hard as I did for us.

I wish you would have put more effort into me than you did keeping your streak on snapchat or the stories on twitter.

You never posted me.

In the world of social media, and how big of an impact it is in our lives, you never shared me with it.

You never liked/commented/or even showed any interest into what I posted or did, but you did with everyone else.

Then said, “it’s just social media”

Acting single on social media while you’re in a relationship makes a lot of sense huh?

When everything’s said and done.. I just wish you saw me.

The things you hated about yourself, I couldn’t help but fall in love with. The days you hated life were the days I was blessed to be laying next to you.

I wish I didn’t fall so fast, fall so deep and love so widely.

Being with someone is more than the money you spend, the dates you go on or the miles you drive.

It’s not the event you go to, it’s the company you have with you.

But you didn’t notice the company at all.

You were only focused on yourself. You were too focused on your image and how people saw you, that you forgot about the one looking at you from across the table. The one that did everything they could to make you the happiest. The one that loved you on your absolute worst days.

The one who would have loved you forever if you even bothered to notice.

But you’re gone.

Without a word. For no reason.

You’ve been a ghost in this relationship since it started, and this is the first time I’m noticing.

Feelings, Life, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized

LEAVING

R A N T •A L E R T

I’ll apologize in advance for another sappy post but I’m in my feels!! 🙄

So I’ve been dealing with a continuous cycle of people leaving. It seems like every male in my life has left me and I’m still not used to it or even close to understanding it.

My real father left when I was small, which is the norm now days for most kids. He also passed away almost 3 years ago on Monday.

My Grandfather also passed away when I was small too, yet we were never that close..

Every boyfriend (only 3, relax) I’ve had has left too. Cheated and left, met someone else and left, moved for careers and school, or just simply.. left.

And throughout my life, I guess I’ve trained my mind to naturally, blame myself.

I always think or I’ve always thought it was me. Obviously not them dying or going to school/work but everything else, it’s just a reflex for me to think,

Did I do something?”

“Is this my fault?”

Look I could have been the reason these boyfriends left, and I couldn’t help my father and grandfather passing. But for someone that has this happen to them time and time again, you tend to look at yourself as a potential problem or reason why it happened.

I think, maybe I could have had a better relationship with them or made things better while they were around or this or that or blah blah blah.

But this new relationship I’ve been in, for over 4 months, the guy just told me he’s leaving.

Going back to school.

3,000 miles away. 🙃

Well shit. Here we go again.

It’s killing me inside because this is the first man I’ve thought of Marriage and Kids and Growing old with.

I’ve never told him that but still my heart is broken. I know he’s doing this for himself of course my anxiety always has a different thought in mind…

Well, nice going Sherlock. You chased him away too. Can’t keep any man.

No matter how good of a person you are and what you’ve done, they’ll always leave.

And the biggest thing I’ve always done (because of this mindset I was blessed with 🙄😒) is make sure I never treat anyone else or make someone else pay for someone else’s mistake or for them leaving.

It’s never fair, right?

I always go into any situation with a clear mind and hope things turn out better. But every time, they’ve turned out with the same results…⤵️⤵️

Them Leaving. 🏃‍♂️

But Today, my heart dropped when my boyfriend asked me what was wrong.

I said I was just sad he was leaving..

And his response hit me harder than anything. Because it’s the same exact thing, word for word, that my father AND an ex said to me before they left..

I’m not dying. I’m just moving. It’s not a big deal.

I couldn’t breathe.

I swear, word for word.

My father told me that, the last phone call I had with him. I was sad that I couldn’t see him before he moved closer to his cancer specialist.

He passed 3 months after.

My ex told me that before he moved to a different city for a job. And left me a month later because me being “sad” meant I didn’t believe in his dreams. 🙄 lol ok.

So here I am again.. wishing he wouldn’t go or wishing he’d take me with him like I wish the others did. Wishing I was a factor or even remotely considered. But again, I’m left behind.

Trying to be supportive while my feelings are pushed aside.

So all I have in my mind now is, when is he going to leave. When is he gunna pull that “let’s just be friends” card.

He’s been distant and his communication skills are trash, which are the telltale signs if one getting ready to bolt!

So it’s all a matter of W H E N.

It really does suck having everyone leave cause now that’s really all you expect from people.

Just say when…

Feelings, Life, Love, Motivation, Relationships, Uncategorized

It’s not you, it’s THEM

Have you ever met someone that no matter what you do or what you say it’s just never enough for them?

You can be Jesus himself and turn water into wine but they prefer beer?

Lol trust me, we all know those people.

It’s usually in relationships where we get the pleasure of feeling inadequate by them because we’re the problem right.

But you know what, it’s not you.

Some people need relationships and things in their life to go badly so they can complain about it and say “I told you this would happen”

They don’t know how to be happy and have someone love them because of THEM.

And I’m not making an excuse for these people at all. But you gotta know that these people will ALWAYS be like this.

They will always find a reason for things not to work out.

  • You’re too clingy
  • You’re too fat
  • You’re too emotional
  • You’re too busy
  • You’re too giving
  • You’re too caring
  • You’re too loving
  • You’re too faithful
  • You’re too “kept up”

And that’s just a few things I’VE heard.

They want you to believe that what you have isn’t good enough for them but in reality, it’s too much for them to handle.

They don’t know how to have someone that won’t cheat on them, judge them, hurt them, etc…

And when you’re not the reason they’re feeling unhappy or they can’t vent to their friends about you or post those stupid relationship breakup quotes on social media then they’ll find a reason to make you the problem.

And when you guys get into an arguement or you try to break up with them, they’ll always and I mean ALWAYS say, “See, I knew you’d leave” or “I knew you’d break my heart”

And guess what, you’re still the problem. LOL 😂

They won’t ever see their issues so don’t think too much into this when or if you’ve met that person.

Cause maybe one day, they’ll meet someone JUST LIKE THEM that does exactly what they’ve done to you and other people.. and realize,

“Hey, maybe it wasn’t them, it was me.”